College Classes...

I sat staring at the words on the page like they were a foreign language, wanting to cry, wanting to scream. I had all the information in front of me but I couldn't put anything together to answer any of the questions that were on the page in front of me.

I sat staring, the scream welling up inside of me, wanting to scream but not being able to. I could not put the last 3 weeks of information into a coherent thought of what was to be put down on the page.

Have I made it clear yet that I just didn't get it. The instructor and I had a long talk after class that night and I explained that I just didn't get it. He argued with me. He told me I was one of the few that asked questions, I took great notes, I was involved. I looked at him and said, "without a prod in a direction, I don't get it."

I finally looked at him and said, "I hate to break the news but this is not my life long career. I am a hardcore math person. Give me 1 number and 12 variables and I will solve for each and every variable and give you the answers you are seeking. No questions asked. This Statistics and Probability stuff does not work for me." He laughed and shook his head and made a statement about starting over for the quarter and stopping with the current chapter. He walked away. I have to face that I might have to take this class over again. I have a study group this weekend with part of the students from the math class to make heads or tails of the information.

I sure hope it helps!

Way Too Early

Why is it that I can work and work to get Kirby out of bed in the morning to go to school. We battle back and forth just to get him moving. He goes on vacation and all of a sudden I am getting 5am morning phone calls. The one time I get to sleep in and not have to leave for the bus stop at 6:30am to start running for my day and Kirby is calling outside his tent in the dark with the wind blowing off the ocean. Our conversation went something like this:

"Hi Mom, **Static**wind blowing into the mic on the phone."

"Hi Buddy! How are you?"

**Static from the wind** "....okay."

"That's great! Are you having a good time?"

"Yeah, it's early here though, is it early there?"

"Well, yeah Kirby it is. It's 5am. What are you doing up at this hour?"

"I couldn't sleep. There's too much noise from the wind and the tarps flapping."

"Kirby I thought you were sleeping in the motorhome?"

"I am but I snuck out, I couldn't sleep and I wanted ***Static***

**IN THE BACKGROUND**

"Kirby...are you out here?"

"Yeah Grandpa I'm here."

"Get back in and go back to sleep."

"Let me say Bye to my mom."

"Hey Mom, I gotta go Grandpa doesn't sound too happy. I love you!"

"I love you too Kirby. See you soon."

**Line Disconnected**

Okay that child needs to learn to sleep in when he is on vacation. :)
I sure do miss that kid...He will be home soon...only a few more days.

~~Kasey~~

Vacation Times Again

Kirby is with his grandparents this weekend at the ocean! I am so jealous as that's really where I should be right now. Not sure I want to be here. **Sigh** Do you ever get used to your kids being gone? I suppose as he gets older and more independent I will. For now though, I want him to stay my little boy.

They grow so fast. :)

~~Kasey~~

Halfway Point...

I am now at the halfway point of my second quarter in my college classes. I thought it was going to be much easier to take classes in a classroom than online. I was sorely mistaken. I am so bogged down for time; time to study, time for Kirby, time for my friends and a social life. It is amazing how much time I don't have.

I register for next quarter this week. I am aiming at all online classes again I did so much better scheduling my time than I was able to actually sitting in a classroom.

Probability and Statistics (Math Class)
English 102 (That I found I didn't need but has been a fantastic refresher course).
Multicultural Communications (Tough but very educational).

I don't feel as strongly about how well I am doing in each class, it is a very tough quarter. I only have 5 weeks left 3 projects and the rest of the homework tests and quizzes. Of which I should be studying for now. Hehehehe...Guess I should get back to it.

Have a good night.
~~Kasey~~

Angels

I was not able to share this with anyone as it has been difficult. I am moving forward in life and the more I write the more I share the more I heal.

This happened a few months ago...

The dreaded phone call this morning.

I am at work trying to make it through my day. I am not someone who usually gets upset or depressed about a lot of things. Today is a different kind of day. I feel like I have lost so much.

knew it was coming. I had a long talk with a friend of mine into the wee hours of the morning. It was like déjà vu all over again. Over the past few months I have been talking with a friend I made at the hospital when I had to be in the hospital for heart problems.

During one of my darkest moments “Annie” appreared in my doorway. When no one else was there she walked in like my guardian angel. There weren’t any lights or music or wings but, you always hear about that one person who shows up when you are at your lowest to pick you up. This was “Annie” for me.

I had been in the hospital having my heart checked and a stint put into my system. This was an overnight stay and I was feeling very alone, tired and weak both physically and emotionally. The doctors didn’t know what was going on. They were saying one thing, and then trying to determine another. Congenital heart disease was a term that kept popping up. I researched it and didn’t like what I was hearing. To me this was not an option.

The doctor admitted me to the hospital so that I could have my heart procedure done first thing in the morning. As I sat in the hospital, feeling very alone and not happy with my doctors final visit to my room that night, I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. This was one of those times I really had wished I had reached out to my friends for support but I didn’t want to so they wouldn’t worry. It was my own fault and I knew it but after the phone call to my parents and their response to all of this was, “Oh don’t worry, you will be okay. I have to go now I have to take your sister shopping.” That didn’t make me feel all that great. So from that point on I didn’t tell anyone.

As I sat there I started to cry. It was late and I didn’t want to bother anyone by calling that late. I wasn’t allowed visitors I couldn’t eat or drink anything, and I was there. A figure appeared in my doorway. She was petite long brown and gray hair, sparkling green eyes, and a smile that would light up a room. She was wearing those full body pajamas. She looked at me and in a very comforting way introduced herself, “Hi, I’m Annie.” We talked for a few minutes. She explained why she was in the hospital and couldn’t sleep either so she went wandering and noticed my light on and that I was still awake. She didn’t ask why I was crying, she just sat and talked to me about herself and family, why she was in the hospital. As she went on I didn’t feel lonely any longer. She really made me feel better, I knew I wasn’t the only person going through all this “stuff” as I will refer to it.

She had her purse with her and she pulled out pictures of her husband, kids and grandkids! She was so proud. She had a personality that was outstanding. Nothing could get her down. She became my support system for the next year and a half. We talked. She introduced me to her single son, I was invited to family dinners and gatherings. I found I was just as much a support system for her as she was for me. Her heart problems didn’t allow her to be as active as I know she wanted to be. She would get frustrated and sometimes herself break down and cry as she couldn’t do everything she wanted to do. As time went by her health deteriorated. She would call me and talk for hours into the night when she became scared she wouldn’t see the next morning.

She shared hopes and dreams with me. Her husband and her son became close friends with me as well. Her and I would take time on a warm night and sit out under the stars and talk about hopes and dreams. She was always telling me to go after what I wanted. I did and was shot down only to pick up and keep going. She was my inspiration. No matter what everytime I left she always told me she loved me and I knew it, I could feel it.

I asked her how many people from the hospital she spent time with. She didn’t answer. Her husband told me later that I was the only person. She didn’t know what had drawn her into the room to talk to me but I am so glad she took those steps.

She called me one night pretty late and we talked. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. This was not unlike other conversations we have had. She shared with me that she was scared. We talked out her feelings and she was feeling tired so we ended our call. We told each other how much we loved one another and hung up. The word Goodbye is not in our vocabulary.

I got up the next morning feeling very tired as I headed off to work. About 10 am Annie’s husband called me. Annie had passed away quietly in the night. We knew this day was coming and I valued all the time I had spent with her. She was such an inspiration.

I was invited to the memorial service and the graveside burial. I was also asked to sit in on her will reading as she had a very special message for me.

When I walked it the memorial service after helping her husband and son with some of the details, the room was half filled and it was still 20 minutes until the time of the service. Annie’s husband approached me and asked me to sit with the family. Her memorial service was beautiful. The pastor at the end of the prayer for Annie asked if anyone wanted to share or say anything on her behalf. I was asked to say something and I had a few things written down in note form. As I got up to speak Annie’s husband handed me a large stack of notecards that were in Annie’s writing. His comment was, “She wasn’t going to let you off that easy. She wants you to read this first.” Without looking at the cards I searched for my extra hankerchief. I knew I was going to need it. The cards read please read this as it is and have people hear my voice.

Each card was focused on individual people and what they meant to her. She must have had a card for every person in the room. There was not a dry eye in the room. Even my eyes weren’t dry but I didn’t care I could hear her voice and exactly how she would say these things to everyone. Each was a huge positive thought. I had to change my words after and explained how Annie and I met. I explained that she was my “angel”. The one person who could pick you up at the times you were down, when you least expected it. I had a few more experiences to share which had us laughing. She was a great person and will be greatly missed. Others got up to speak but kept it short as “Annie” had already shared so much.

For a few weeks after her passing, I spent time with her husband and son to help out where I could each day. She had so much spirit and tenacity. She was so loved and adored. They are standing strong and doing well.

I miss Annie and her smiles, her contagious laughter her attitude. She is still my inspiration and I know as my angel she is watching over me.

Have a good night!

~~Kasey~~

Would You Believe???

Kirby was out sick from class last week for two days. Lately (in the past year) when he gets sick, he really gets sick. As he grows his wit and intellect really come out in his sense of humor.

This morning on our way to the bus stop he made a comment, “I really hope my teacher accepts my excuse for being absent.”

I responded with, “Why shouldn’t she?”

He looked at me and smiled his sly smile and said, “The last time I was sick she teased me and said she wasn’t sure if I was really sick.”

I laughed and told him, “So if you weren’t really sick then what reason would you have for actually missing school?”

“I could always tell her that I was attacked by mutant dung flinging flying Monkeys. Maybe she would believe me.” He responded.

I laughed and although that was more creative I suggested he stay with his “being sick” excuse.

I sure wouldn’t want to be attacked by mutant dung flinging flying monkeys…**Shivers** Ewwwwww!