I was not able to share this with anyone as it has been difficult. I am moving forward in life and the more I write the more I share the more I heal.
This happened a few months ago…
The dreaded phone call this morning.
I am at work trying to make it through my day. I am not someone who usually gets upset or depressed about a lot of things. Today is a different kind of day. I feel like I have lost so much.
I knew it was coming. I had a long talk with a friend of mine into the wee hours of the morning. It was like déjà vu all over again. Over the past few months I have been talking with a friend I made at the hospital when I had to be in the hospital for heart problems.
During one of my darkest moments “Annie” appreared in my doorway. When no one else was there she walked in like my guardian angel. There weren’t any lights or music or wings but, you always hear about that one person who shows up when you are at your lowest to pick you up. This was “Annie” for me.
I had been in the hospital having my heart checked and a stint put into my system. This was an overnight stay and I was feeling very alone, tired and weak both physically and emotionally. The doctors didn’t know what was going on. They were saying one thing, and then trying to determine another. Congenital heart disease was a term that kept popping up. I researched it and didn’t like what I was hearing. To me this was not an option.
The doctor admitted me to the hospital so that I could have my heart procedure done first thing in the morning. As I sat in the hospital, feeling very alone and not happy with my doctors final visit to my room that night, I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. This was one of those times I really had wished I had reached out to my friends for support but I didn’t want to so they wouldn’t worry. It was my own fault and I knew it but after the phone call to my parents and their response to all of this was, “Oh don’t worry, you will be okay. I have to go now I have to take your sister shopping.” That didn’t make me feel all that great. So from that point on I didn’t tell anyone.
As I sat there I started to cry. It was late and I didn’t want to bother anyone by calling that late. I wasn’t allowed visitors I couldn’t eat or drink anything, and I was there. A figure appeared in my doorway. She was petite long brown and gray hair, sparkling green eyes, and a smile that would light up a room. She was wearing those full body pajamas. She looked at me and in a very comforting way introduced herself, “Hi, I’m Annie.” We talked for a few minutes. She explained why she was in the hospital and couldn’t sleep either so she went wandering and noticed my light on and that I was still awake. She didn’t ask why I was crying, she just sat and talked to me about herself and family, why she was in the hospital. As she went on I didn’t feel lonely any longer. She really made me feel better, I knew I wasn’t the only person going through all this “stuff” as I will refer to it.
She had her purse with her and she pulled out pictures of her husband, kids and grandkids! She was so proud. She had a personality that was outstanding. Nothing could get her down. She became my support system for the next year and a half. We talked. She introduced me to her single son, I was invited to family dinners and gatherings. I found I was just as much a support system for her as she was for me. Her heart problems didn’t allow her to be as active as I know she wanted to be. She would get frustrated and sometimes herself break down and cry as she couldn’t do everything she wanted to do. As time went by her health deteriorated. She would call me and talk for hours into the night when she became scared she wouldn’t see the next morning.
She shared hopes and dreams with me. Her husband and her son became close friends with me as well. Her and I would take time on a warm night and sit out under the stars and talk about hopes and dreams. She was always telling me to go after what I wanted. I did and was shot down only to pick up and keep going. She was my inspiration. No matter what everytime I left she always told me she loved me and I knew it, I could feel it.
I asked her how many people from the hospital she spent time with. She didn’t answer. Her husband told me later that I was the only person. She didn’t know what had drawn her into the room to talk to me but I am so glad she took those steps.
She called me one night pretty late and we talked. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. This was not unlike other conversations we have had. She shared with me that she was scared. We talked out her feelings and she was feeling tired so we ended our call. We told each other how much we loved one another and hung up. The word Goodbye is not in our vocabulary.
I got up the next morning feeling very tired as I headed off to work. About 10 am Annie’s husband called me. Annie had passed away quietly in the night. We knew this day was coming and I valued all the time I had spent with her. She was such an inspiration.
I was invited to the memorial service and the graveside burial. I was also asked to sit in on her will reading as she had a very special message for me.
When I walked it the memorial service after helping her husband and son with some of the details, the room was half filled and it was still 20 minutes until the time of the service. Annie’s husband approached me and asked me to sit with the family. Her memorial service was beautiful. The pastor at the end of the prayer for Annie asked if anyone wanted to share or say anything on her behalf. I was asked to say something and I had a few things written down in note form. As I got up to speak Annie’s husband handed me a large stack of notecards that were in Annie’s writing. His comment was, “She wasn’t going to let you off that easy. She wants you to read this first.” Without looking at the cards I searched for my extra hankerchief. I knew I was going to need it. The cards read please read this as it is and have people hear my voice.
Each card was focused on individual people and what they meant to her. She must have had a card for every person in the room. There was not a dry eye in the room. Even my eyes weren’t dry but I didn’t care I could hear her voice and exactly how she would say these things to everyone. Each was a huge positive thought. I had to change my words after and explained how Annie and I met. I explained that she was my “angel”. The one person who could pick you up at the times you were down, when you least expected it. I had a few more experiences to share which had us laughing. She was a great person and will be greatly missed. Others got up to speak but kept it short as “Annie” had already shared so much.
For a few weeks after her passing, I spent time with her husband and son to help out where I could each day. She had so much spirit and tenacity. She was so loved and adored. They are standing strong and doing well.
I miss Annie and her smiles, her contagious laughter her attitude. She is still my inspiration and I know as my angel she is watching over me.
